I have been feeling very down recently. For months now Jack's sleep has been terrible. We have had better periods but they never last long. He is tired and grumpy in the day, sometimes only satisfied when he is breast feeding and I am perpetually exhausted too. He fights sleep most nights and for most naps. I feel like I spend over half my life trying to get him to go to sleep. I am miserable and not really enjoying being a parent at all. Neither of us have the energy to play or go out or do anything much during the day and I spend the time I'm not dealing with him counting down the hours until Andy comes home from work and I can get a little help.
For a while I have been telling myself that things will be different next time. Next time I won't get into the habit of breastfeeding the baby to sleep, which would hopefully prevent any of these sleep issues from taking root in the first place. But today I have been contemplating the whole Attachment Parenting issue and whether it has really worked for us as a family or not and I have to conclude not. I have the utmost respect for the people for whom it works and who are satisfied as parents by using these methods and in theory it sounds like a wonderful way to parent. But I just don't feel like it has been right for me personally. I look at the other children that I know and the mums I know online and find myself constantly envious of the way their children sleep, the activities they do together and so on.
I found myself thinking "Next time I don't think we'll follow this path again. I want to enjoy being a parent and I can't do that while this tired." Which led me to the next obvious thought... how can I even contemplate "next time" right now? I am way too busy with Jack to have a newborn to worry about, never mind the stresses on the body of being pregnant. I really have to be practical about this. There is no way I can go through pregnancy and have a new baby while Jack is this demanding. No way.
And from there to... if I hate being a parent so much, am I sure I even want another one? Ever?
Much as I want to go through pregnancy again, desperate as I am to give birth, I have to admit that I actually don't want another child.
I can't have a baby just for the birth. It has to be because Andy and I both want another child and right now I really, really don't. I don't want to go through any of this again and it is by no means guaranteed that different parenting methods would prevent these issues.
Don't get me wrong, I love Jack. I love him so much it actually aches! I love watching him grow and learn and I love the way he looks at me and I love that he needs me so much. But I do not love the way I feel the rest of the time. I do not even remotely like not having the energy to even play with him for five minutes. I just can't see myself being able to cope with two children when I am not coping with just one. I have been having a little cry at the thought that if this feeling persists then I may never, ever give birth. But I feel like I might be ready to let go of that dream because giving birth is not the only thing that matters in life and if I grow old and grey never having done it I will not be less of a woman.
For a while I have been telling myself that things will be different next time. Next time I won't get into the habit of breastfeeding the baby to sleep, which would hopefully prevent any of these sleep issues from taking root in the first place. But today I have been contemplating the whole Attachment Parenting issue and whether it has really worked for us as a family or not and I have to conclude not. I have the utmost respect for the people for whom it works and who are satisfied as parents by using these methods and in theory it sounds like a wonderful way to parent. But I just don't feel like it has been right for me personally. I look at the other children that I know and the mums I know online and find myself constantly envious of the way their children sleep, the activities they do together and so on.
I found myself thinking "Next time I don't think we'll follow this path again. I want to enjoy being a parent and I can't do that while this tired." Which led me to the next obvious thought... how can I even contemplate "next time" right now? I am way too busy with Jack to have a newborn to worry about, never mind the stresses on the body of being pregnant. I really have to be practical about this. There is no way I can go through pregnancy and have a new baby while Jack is this demanding. No way.
And from there to... if I hate being a parent so much, am I sure I even want another one? Ever?
Much as I want to go through pregnancy again, desperate as I am to give birth, I have to admit that I actually don't want another child.
I can't have a baby just for the birth. It has to be because Andy and I both want another child and right now I really, really don't. I don't want to go through any of this again and it is by no means guaranteed that different parenting methods would prevent these issues.
Don't get me wrong, I love Jack. I love him so much it actually aches! I love watching him grow and learn and I love the way he looks at me and I love that he needs me so much. But I do not love the way I feel the rest of the time. I do not even remotely like not having the energy to even play with him for five minutes. I just can't see myself being able to cope with two children when I am not coping with just one. I have been having a little cry at the thought that if this feeling persists then I may never, ever give birth. But I feel like I might be ready to let go of that dream because giving birth is not the only thing that matters in life and if I grow old and grey never having done it I will not be less of a woman.
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4 comments:
Oh Holly! I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time. I have felt the same at times. I always wanted two children really closely together, and sometimes think we should start thinking of trying again (although my husband is more like you - he can't even contemplate the thought right now), but sometimes the THOUGHT of TWO OF THEM - well, no thanks. But I do believe that it'll change and as Jack gets older you might change your mind. I'd love to chat with you about Jack's sleeping at some time. Let me know when you'll be online and we can chat on facebook? We can just make sure you're covering all your bases? We've had a really hard time with Kyra and her teething and how it's affected her sleep and general mood and there've been a few things we've tried. Let me know if you'd be willing to chat, okay?
Ah hun... that was so hard to read, as it felt like your heart was breaking while writing it!
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but try find some positives hun... you've breastfed Jack successfully for almost 11 months! A lot of mums don't get that far. You may be right, there may be some aspects of attached parenting that aren't working for you, but that doesn't mean that it wont work for the next one.
Jack may just need a different approach and I'm sure if you keep trying (exhausting as it may be) you'll find something that works.
I find that even though Lottie can self settle without crying and sleeps really well, there are days maybe once or twice a week, where she needs to be held close and I'll sing to her and stroke her head and she'll calmly drift off and sleep soundly for a nap/through the night. I was worried about getting into a habit of rocking her to sleep, but to be honest, she doesn't often need it at all.. just some days when she wants more cuddles! So my worries were for nothing!!!
You're a good Mum hun... Jack's a lovely boy and sleep deprivation is a very hard thing to deal with... you've done so well.
Perhaps look at some options you've avoided up to this point, and see if any of them help. There's no harm in trying and if the don't work, you can rule them out!
You'll be back soon.... excited about the next one and the birth you plan to have! you'll see... you'll feel better soon hun! GREAT BIG CYBER HUGS!!!
Love Cath and Lottie xxx
Sorry for the essay... I didn't realise I'd written so much! *blush* xx
Thank you Cath. I'm feeling a bit better now as Jack has started to sleep a bit better again the last couple of nights. It's amazing what sleep deprivation will do to your state of mind!
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